


testing the psyche

by orphan_account



Category: Hit the Floor (TV)
Genre: (i think idk), Canonical Character Death, Gen, Gunshot Wounds, Introspection, also Raquel's death which i am not over yet, deals with season finale spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-01
Updated: 2016-04-01
Packaged: 2018-05-30 11:28:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6422149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It hurts. It hurts bad and yet it hurts less than losing Raquel does.</p>
            </blockquote>





	testing the psyche

**Author's Note:**

> OH MY GOD WHAT ON GOD'S NAME. i am never gonna be over Raquel dying tyvm. also, they shot my baby girl. what in the actual f. 
> 
> so basically i am broken inside because that scene w raquel and jelena was very special to me. i have Feelings with a capital F, okay, and i've been thinking about them for a while now. like 20 hrs or so because i finished the season last night.
> 
> IM A MESS. 
> 
> title is after jesper kyd's song.

 

It hurts. It hurts bad and yet it hurts less than losing Raquel does. Because it still hurts. Jelena doesn't know when it'll stop; or if it will.

Losing Terrence—can you lose something (someone) you haven't had in such a long time, though?—it's still this constant buzz at the back of her chest, but this, the gun-shot wound, it hurts worse than that. Jelena lies on the floor for—it could be minutes, or it could be hours, it's all very hazy.

She blinks at the ceiling, wooden and kind of hideous, really, and swallows thickly.

This isn't how things were supposed to go.

-

Raquel asks _what's your deepest secret_ , and Jelena thinks she's an idiot, this woman she's known for so many years and now lies on her deathbed, for asking something that's so clear and obvious.

Sometimes Jelena thinks she wears the answer on her skin, pinned to her forehead, written all over her features.

"I'm terrified of being alone," Jelena says, desperate, because she is. Done, too. God, she's so done. Worn to her very bones, every day a struggle to stay on top, any how, any way.

Raquel says, "I know," and wraps arms around Jelena, so tight and so warm and so _Raquel_ , and Jelena feels more secure here in this uncomfortable bed than she has in years. _Years_.

-

"I wasn't raised by you, I _survived_ you," she grits.

Jelena wonders how she'll survive _this_ : Raquel and Terrence and being shot and everything in between.

-

"I'm gonna miss this," Jelena whispers, her eyes on the ceiling, her hand around Raquel's.

They're lying next to each other, pressed together in Raquel's hospital bed, and Raquel's cheek is on the top of Jelena's head. Jelena doesn't think she's ever been close to someone like this before. Not counting Terrence, obviously.

"I'm gonna miss it, too," Raquel whispers, and tightens her fingers around Jelena's, because she might be dying but right now she's the strongest of them both. "You gotta stay strong," Raquel goes on, barely a whisper, and something in Jelena's chest crashes and burns and turns into ashes faster than she can breathe, "you gotta stay _you_. Promise?"

Jelena doesn't trust herself to speak. It's a first.

"I promise," she says against Raquel's forehead much later. She's still warm, so warm. "I promise."

She doesn't cry again.

-

No one sees it. Jelena likes to think no one notices she's already breaking inside. These girls are focused and it shows in their curves and their lines and Jelena is so fucking proud of all of them, so, so proud. They're doing their thing and they shouldn't see the way Jelena's eyes are almost spilling, or the way her fingers are shaking.

Her feet stumble a couple of times but she doesn't care—she's dancing with her heart right now.

She breaks the second the song ends. There's no use in trying to cover it up, they're all tearing up and Jelena feels lost, so lost and scared. She holds onto Raquel with trebling arms, and is glad everyone else around them is shaking, too, because no one can see Jelena Howard break.

Not like this.

(Yet, they all see. They catch the pieces Jelena leaves behind, and Raquel takes one with her when she goes.)

-

"She's in a better place," Terrence says, voice a low murmur, his arms around her while they lie in bed. "She has to be."

Jelena doesn't have an answer. She merely nods and keeps her eyes trained on the wall, on that spot above the TV that has always looked like a stain but is nothing more than a bad reflection from her vanity mirror. It's all so—white and gray and pale. Lifeless.

"We should redecorate," she says, taps her fingers on the bed, one by one.

Terrence holds her a little tighter. "Sure, baby, yeah."

-

"I miss you," she whispers to the empty bar.

The walls don't have an answer and Jelena isn't surprised. Not disappointed, either, just—

Tired.

-

"Don't close your eyes," a voice whispers. "Don't you dare close your eyes, Jelena."

"Don't nag at me, Raquel, you're not my mother," Jelena manages.

Someone touches her face, her neck, a pulse, keep on breathing, come on.

Not disappointed, she thinks, just tired. So tired.


End file.
